Your Child Is A Jackass

Nobody had heard of Groucho Marx.  No, it’s not a lost “Twilight Zone” episode, it’s what we experienced at the Halloween-Sooper-Dooper-Store in Berkeley.  This has got to be one of the 7 signs of the Apocalypse.  We were looking for a pair of classic “Groucho Glasses” only to discover that none of the three salespeople or the store manager had ever heard of Groucho, the Marx Brothers or even just “Groucho Glasses.”  The only specs in their computer inventory were Nerd Glasses with thick lenses and tape in the middle (thanks, I already own a prescription pair).  Nobody knows the Marx Brothers anymore?  Great, now I’ve got something besides global warming to fret about.

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Educational Moment: these are "Groucho Glasses" and this is Groucho Marx

The other surprise was in the kiddie costume isle.  No, not the endless variations on Lil’Ho’s (Skanky the Witch!  Slutty the Cat!  Floozy the Fairy!).  Sadly those have been around long enough that they’ve lost their shock value.  What got my jaw dropping was actually in the boy’s costume section — it was a Toilet Costume.  (I guess if nothing else he’s armed and ready to t.p. someone’s house.) Unlike the model-perfect children pictured on the other packages, this poor kid was a sort of proto-geek with big silver braces.

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I hope his modeling money went into a therapy fund.

Now if I had a nickel for every time my kid said “pee,” “fart” or “poo” I’d be a very rich, very annoyed gal.  (If I had a penny for every time he said “dong” I’d be a millionaire.)  But even he doesn’t want to dress as a toilet.  Was this costume-as-punishment?  Later at home I looked it up online where the text explained “Child toilet costume is also perfect for every potty mouth kid — Use as a modern day Dunce cap.” Yup, definitely start saving up for those therapy bills now.

Right next to that was an inflatable costume of an upside down donkey, with the smiling kid’s head protruding out of the donkey’s ass.  That’s right – it’s a Jackass Costume! They claim the costume is “surprisingly comfortable” but how comfortable is that kid going to be as the endless butt of donkey-butt jokes all night?

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It IS surprising that it's comfortable....

Another family that should start a therapy fund.  (“No gifts this year, just donate to our account with Dr. Davenport again.”)  Somebody must be buying ‘em, or they wouldn’t bother to make the things, but I’m at a loss as to who would buy either of these or why. (“Well I really wanted to be Darth Vader but I guess a toilet would be okay…”)

I’m still working on my costume.  There will be silver, and big boots.  (And no, it’s not one of those fancy automatic coin-operated French public toilets.)

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7 responses to “Your Child Is A Jackass

  1. “…silver and big boobs”
    Yeah, now you’re talking!
    Bring back the 50s, Hef!

    I know, I know, you didn’t actually write that but it’s what I wanted you to write (since we’re going to be all therapy all the time). ;-}

  2. And from that Halloween forward, little Billy was known to his friends as The Donkeyrrhoid…

    Speaking of Vader, don’t know if you’ve seen it, but – drunk! Ewok! rampage! on the Today show. It’s awesome – http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/10/drunken_ewok_rampage.php .

  3. Halloween is for everyone, including the parents of children with low self esteem. I recall having a homemade costume of a leopard fashioned for me when I was 5 0r 6 in the late 50s. Anytime a photo was taken with me in the picture I had to “assume the position” of getting down on all fours. Still, the leopard skin pattern was pretty swank.

  4. You are hilarious. I love your take on the world.

  5. Thanks for the post. It helped me break through a mental block and remember once when my mother sewed a “halloween costume” for met that was literally a misshapen blue burlap sack with a large front pouch for the candy. What was it supposed to be? I don’t know, but I know it was ugly. And it was hot and itched like mad. How much are those therapy appointments, anyway?

  6. I kind of want that toilet costume myself…

  7. I want one of those inflatable jackass costumes

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