Last week I walked into the studio and unplugged a power cord from the wall socket so I could plug in my hot glue gun and *a million ants* came streaming out of the wall socket. This required a bit of cursing and yelling, the sucking up of legions of ants with the trusty Dust Buster, and a good bit of caulking, by the end of which I’d completely forgotten what I’d started to do in the first place.

Our house is always under siege by these little bastards Argentine ants, which are teensy and blackish and apparently cannot be eradicated because they have literally hundreds of queens. I don’t actually mind ants in principle — they’re clean and neat, they don’t bite or sting, but when you see a thick black rope of them snaking across your kitchen counter heading for your freshly baked muffins it’s WAR. Yesterday I opened the dishwasher and it was FILLED WITH ANTS. At which point they started to seem like something out of a horror movie and I began picturing them as the Zanti Misfits from the Outer Limits. There are scouting parties in every room constantly searching for that next delicious crumb and every time I water the plants billions of them come streaming out carrying their little white eggs over their heads — insect morons! I water every two days! Figure it out and MOVE already! Right now the torrential rains are driving them inside in record numbers. It really feels like our house is built on top of a giant ant colony and makes me think of that movie Poltergeist — “When you built the house you moved the ant hill, but you didn’t move THE ANTS!”


4 responses to “THEM!

  1. Oh baby, I so feel your pain. My old duplex was literally built on an anthill. The old wooden porch across the front had been replaced back in the ’40s with a concrete slab, which was laid over a big pile of sand . . . . which became Ant Nirvana. The bad news? They NEVER get any smarter; un-gassed, they will ALWAYS come back. The good news? A decent exterminator should be able to get them out of the house interior long enough to put up a chemical barrier that keeps them out for months at a time. I know you’re the Demon Goddess of All Things Green, and this kind of pesticide attack is against your, you’ll pardon the expression, nature. But unfortunately, it’s that or keep doing daily battle.

    Good luck!

  2. have you tried grant’s? apparently, “grant’s kills ants”… have you tried the million home remedies?

    have you tried reasoning with them? have you set up a meeting with the ant queens?

    now *there’s* a painting!

    be strong, comrade. xm

  3. Yeah this morning when I woke up they were marching from my closet, out the bedroom, down the hallway, through the living room, through the dining room, up the side of the kitchen counter and all the way across to counter to…. (drum roll)… nothing. I couldn’t tell what all the fuss was about. These must be the stupidest ants in the world — they were right next to the bread box and the fruit bowl but they were all huddled around some microscopic bit of who-knows-what. And I *would* nuke them into the ant Stone Age but supposedly it doesn’t work on these particular ants (their colonies are too huge).

  4. re: Grants — apparently those aren’t recommended for the Argentine ants because it kills the scouts before they can take it back to the colony. They recommend the kind that are sugar and boric acid — but even then they say you’re only getting 1% of the colony at best, ’cause the colony stretches nearly from Canada to Baja, Mexico! EEEEEEEEK!

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